My first post...

This is all very new to me.

... I am happier than I have been in a long time.

I have ALWAYS been horrendously fat, and now I finally feel like I have some control. I was bulemic in high school, but I hated that feeling of eating eating eating, even if I threw it all up afterwards.

I can control food, now. Or at least, that is what I am trying to do, and it feels so... right. One night last week it just occured to me, this is the right decision for me. I have had nothing solid pass my lips in just over three days now, and feel fantastic.

At most I have had 20-35 calories each day, and those are from sugar free drink mixes I have put in my water, just for a little flavor. I have been drinking a lot of water. I also have been taking supplements and energy and metabolism-boosting vitamins as well, and I have never felt healthier. I was so worried I would feel tired or weak, but no... It's wonderful.

Last night I almost ate something. One of my neighbors gave me a banana to snack on while I was hanging out with her, and I said I would take it home and eat it later. I know it was only just over 100 calories but I still didn't want to eat it. I took it home, laid it on my coffee table, looked at it, and ever started to peel it... but then I realized - I wasn't hungry. Why eat it? I didn't need it. I wanted it - but wanting to eat is the reason I am the way I am.

When I tossed out that bit of food I felt so empowered, like I may finally end up getting control of my body. I was thinking about eating tonight, as well. I even set up a little meal for myself, should I need it. 100 calories worth of fish, 50 in dry ceral and a fun sized candy bar as a treat (a reward, I told myself, for maintaining my fast) but then I thought - rewarding myself with food? Isn't that part of the problem?

I still don't feel the need to eat, hopefully I can make this first, wonderful fast last a few more days before I need to eat something.

I have to work tomorrow, and work is EXTREMELY stressful, which will make me want to eat. Also, I do feel just the tiniest bit fuzzy after a lot of activity, so I am worried I may get that way at work. To be on the safe side I am bringing a few safe foods with me, if I do need them. Just a baggie of dry, unsweetened ceral which promises to be filling if needed, 150 cals worth. I also packed a few drink mixes as well, because I know the sweet flavor will help calm cravings.

Enough about this, though. I want to thank all of the wonderful pro-ana girls who's blogs have helped me sharpen up my plans for myself. Your posts, pictures, food and exercise plans have been SUCH an inspiration to me and my newfound path. I hope that the handful of you that are offering support to other pro-ana girls (and guys, of course) will help me along my way, too. Could it be possible??? - Getting thin and beautiful AND making new friends? Oh, it may just be too good to be true.


Kitty said...

Good luck to you! :)

I know that food is basically a lifestyle in America, but you should be proud for deciding to take control of yourself. And even if sometimes you aren't always perfect, you're still doing a hell of a lot better than those people who indulge on pounds and pounds of food in one sitting. Just remember that.

Be prepared to let this take over your life though, once you start concerning yourself with what goes into your mouth, you'll always be concerned. But that's not always a bad thing. ;)

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